When it feels like life leads you to a dead end

‘Some people try their best, only to be met with a cliff’.
Sometimes, we dream, hope and give it our all but learn the painful truth that in life, A + B does not often equal to C.

Missing who I used to be

Recently, I felt like once again, life has led me to a dead end. Life itself feels heavy and I miss the past, I miss the simplicity of life, I miss who I used to be. There were a few spiralling moments where I would think, ‘I used to be happy, carefree and passionate. What changed? What happened to me?’

Without me realising, the inner critic gets loud, internalising blame and using statements like ‘you need to…, you should be…, how could you…, something’s wrong with you, you’re never…enough’ - inciting the feelings of shame from expectations.

Too often, when we are isolated from people, it is harder to sit with negative feelings or silence the inner critic. In order to keep us from spiralling, becoming uncalibrated in our thoughts and losing the will to move forward, it is important to reach out to people and see life from other points of views.

Hearing people’s stories

One of the ways I learn to see things from different perspectives is through watching variety shows and dramas, especially ones with healing themes. Through getting to know the characters and their stories, we learn that we are not alone in our pain. In fact, there are millions of people in the world who share the pain of what we are going through. Also, we are reminded that there is always another side to our story and that there will always be a way forward. Learning the stories of others can change our outlook and approach to life, and maybe this is the more important thing that we are to learn - to approach life differently than we have been.

Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha is my most recent drama. I recommend you to watch it if you are keen on Korean dramas. Its theme is centred around healing. It is light-hearted with a bit of romantic comedy to it. As a writer puts it, it will help you learn about ‘humility and in adjusting your way through a fixed life, value and mindset’

One of the lines from Episode 2 says, ‘life isn’t fair to everyone, some people’s paths are rough and unpaved. Some people try their best, only to be met with a cliff.’

Have you had a big blow in life?

A stroke of bad luck, a dead end, a serious mistake or another gut-wrenching disappointment? ‘Sometimes people make mistakes’ and ‘sometimes bad things happen to good people.’

Regardless of what has happened, don’t blame yourself or others too much. Don’t resent the world too much. Our world is imperfect and as humans, it is all our first time living. With hitting a dead end, the feeling of hopelessness could overtake us, causing us to lose sight of life beyond our situation. Also, we might make negative meanings from our situation and carry them with us.

Either way is dangerous and unfortunately as humans, living or loving in a world full of setbacks, means exposure to pain and vulnerability of hopelessness and hurt. However our lives are now, we cannot go back to the past. But if we protect our faith and sense of hope, we can live in the present and create a better future.

Five guideposts to finding new life

Often our world tells us - when you hit a dead end, you’ve got to bounce back quickly because you could and you should. The mindset of efficiency, constant levelling-up and ‘winning in life’ seems to be prevalent in our generation. But actually, what purpose do they serve?

In doing more and going faster, we may actually sabotage ourselves, rather than growing and building resilience. Here are some guideposts or steps which I have learnt, in order to find new faith, hope and life.

1. Practise compassion towards yourself

Practising compassion does not mean having pity on yourself or others. Rather it means having profound empathy. Sometimes, it also involves validating and acknowledging that things have been hard.

Also at times, our sense of compassion towards others is a reflection of how we see or treat ourselves. So, it is good to practice this by putting ourselves in other people’s situations - to understand their motivation and if necessary, even their mistakes because we are all doing the best with what we have.

2. Listen to your heart

What are you feeling? What do you want? What is important to you now? What comes up when you ask yourself these types of questions? Are they filtered through the lense of others or is it your own voice?

Be honest and true to yourself. Without judgement, face your feelings and listen to your heart.

3. Give yourself time

Give yourself the time you need. Today, the healthy pace of life has been disrupted by industrialisation and technology. Don’t buy into the pressure of efficiency and need to quickly fix things.

A friend once told me, ‘many things cannot be predicted and feelings don’t work with deadlines. So, don’t set a timeframe but give yourself the time you need to recover.’ What do you need time with specifically? To grief a loss, to process your feelings? To let go of a dream or to forgive yourself?

4. Embrace imperfection and impermanence

As people, we are characterised by imperfections. The expectation to look, do and be perfect weighs us down with shame. In fact, the pursuit of perfection itself is flawed. It is interesting how our need to be perfect will often flow through other areas of life, such as work and our relationship with food. Learn to embrace the gifts of imperfections: courage, compassion and connection.

Life is characterised by impermanence. Depending on factors such as each person’s personality, upbringing, good/bad experiences - the need to control could be strong and disruptive. However in reality, life is unpredictable and by nature it constantly changes. Rather than being overwhelmed by uncertainty and resisting change, learn to embrace impermanence and the wonders that come with it.

5. Find your own way

Again, we cannot go back to the past but we can live in the present. Life goes on. Moreover, your life is your own. No one can live it for you. Although many things were not of our own choosing, we can alleviate our suffering and co-create a better future.

So, what is important to you right now? What are your values? What makes you happy? What do you need to let go of? Where or with what can you start afresh? Who could you reach out to?

You might feel lost but take your time to figure things out and find your way. We all find our way differently. Life is a journey and itself is precious, don’t forget. Trust that you will find good things on your path.